Even before getting into the bus to Rwanda, her mind was already full of doubt and a little self-resentment. She had set off to a new land in pursuit of higher education in one of the most prestigious universities around, Carnegie Mellon University (CMU). The prestigious tag came with a prestigious fee structure. Her dad had agreed to finance her studies but there was this ever-present nagging thought that she didn’t deserve the financial help from her dad. She would depend on him fully for both tuition, upkeep and rent money – a lot of money that was very hard to come by. Back home she had siblings who needed the money more, two siblings in college and others following behind. She already had her first degree while they had none, they certainly needed the support more.
Her plans had been to defer the first semester, get a job and come back to study when she was financially stable. But here she was, in the school on orientation month with little to no money and no scholarship. She had applied for a scholarship from the school and her hopes were fully dependent on it but when the email arrived, it only carried dreadful news. So here she was, an undeserving child who could not even get a scholarship, walking in the midst of all these other students who actually belonged in the school.
Did they know she did not belong here? Wait till they find out, they will all laugh at you. Apart from being able to afford their tuition fees, all her classmates had accomplished something in their lives. Most of them had worked in the telecommunications industry and had the general work experience required for this level of study. She was a green fish, straight from undergrad. Heck, she didn’t even know what a console table was. Ethernet cable? She had as much knowledge about it as a teen who only wanted to connect to the internet and live stream a football match. The course instructor expected her to tear it apart in the lab and explain how it works, and yet she still had problems even connecting and configuring a router.
Knowing she would be kicked out soon, she registered for any course unit she could find a hint of interest in. She had been in school for a whole month but had not even paid a single cent, she took any networking and telecommunication class she could find in campus. She was just trying to absorb as much content as possible before the school found out there was an illegal stray in their campus halls and kicked her out. So she threw herself to her work because this was all she had ever dreamed of. She had never been a quitter, and so she stayed on and struggled, if she was to leave it would be because she was kicked out by the school and not because she had quit. She would never forgive herself for quitting on her dream.
At times though, she felt like quitting, and it was not just because of the fees. Her class was full of professionals and things seemed to move on too fast for her. One day they would be on this topic and even before she could grasp the introduction, they would have moved on to the next. Everyone in class seemed to have their life together, they had purpose, sense of direction and knew exactly what they needed to do to survive in this tough environment. The results of the first lab test came out she failed spectacularly. As she cried in the bathroom, she knew that this was the end of the road for her. Even her brains had given up on her. She flirted with the thought of quitting and only the thought of going back home empty-handed when everyone had sacrificed so much for her held her up.
One morning while going through her class notes trying to solve an assignment she got an email summoning her to the admins’ office. She could taste the bile that had risen to her mouth and watched helplessly as her dream came tumbling down. She had already stayed in the school for a month, the orientation month, and now having not paid even a single cent her time to leave had come. So with a heavy heart, she dragged herself to the admin office. She would miss this place that even though she had only stayed in for a month, already felt like home. Turns out her dream would remain just that, a dream.
From the office, she sobbed all through as her mind went through a plethora of emotions. To her surprise, she had been informed that her MasterCard Foundation Scholarship had gone through. She had earned the right to stay and make her dreams come true. Her mind could not handle the roller coaster of emotions, and so she just threw herself into bed and sobbed more. Later on she would thank God for sending a miracle her way. The sleepless nights that she had when trying to catch up with her classmates, the rush to get into as many classes as possible was all worth it now.
She had always had self-doubt but all through she had a thin ray of hope and belief and this would come bail her out. She believed she could, so she did.
Even though the self-doubt never left, she won the first round.
awasega 